How to Keep Your Marriage Alive by Christine Collette

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Divorce statistics around the world are growing all the time and couples therapy doesn't seem to be helping. Over 50% of couples who go to therapy sessions end up divorced and only around 20% of those seeing therapists actually experience improvements within their marriage. So how do you avoid becoming just another statistic? It is my aim to answer this question within this article. I will discuss the reasons why many people are unable to move on from past hurts and show you some ways that you can overcome the hard times.

A common mistake, and unfortunately an accepted form of therapy, is taking a trip down memory lane and digging up all the past hurts and mistakes within a marriage. This does not help matters at all. If you were feeling content and happy then someone told you to start remembering all the times you felt really sad, how do you think you would end up feeling? Your brain doesn't filter the reality from the memory so clearly. So if you focus on sad or bad feelings your brain tells the rest of you to follow suit and start feeling that way. This is the process that a lot of actors use when they're asked to cry on the spot. The same applies to your relationship. If we spend our time dwelling on past issues and old problems they come straight to the forefront of our minds and lives and we feel the hurt all over again.

Now, I'm not saying you should 'sweep your troubles under the rug' or 'bottle them up for another day'; quite on the contrary. You should realize the simple fact that the troubles you had in the past are indeed, past. Today is a new day. And yes, it does sound like a cliché but if you're serious about taking a step forward within your marriage then you really need to grab hold of this concept and run with it.

Another skill that is paramount to learn is being prepared to change the way you think and react to things on a daily basis. We all have learned certain ways to react to situations. And they seem like natural reactions because we've been doing them most of our lives. It can be something as simple as wincing when we see something painful on the television, to relationship issues like going on the war path when your partner rushes out the door and forgets to kiss you goodbye. If you can learn to identify how you react to things within your marriage, I mean really take a look at your own behavior, then you might find that some of your reactions are really quite silly or pointless and make a not so great minute one morning turn into a hell of a week all round. How often have you noticed that you are reacting like your parents used to? Most of this behavior is learned, and can be un-learned as well with a little work on your part.

Remember that day back when you were standing there facing your beloved and you vowed to love them and be with them forever? There are so many of us who disregard the power of our marriage vows. We tend to think that divorce must be normal and ok since so many people are doing it. The truth is the opposite. Divorce is not normal or ok. It's painful, difficult and highly stressful, rated up there with being told you have a terminal disease. The bottom line about vows is that you personally made the commitment to follow through. It's a decision you made with a sound mind and love in your heart. Love doesn't die and neither should our promises. Sometimes we forget these simple things. But remembering why you made that promise in the first place is a great place to start when you feel your marriage take a downward slide.

Gaining control over our emotions is another important area to look into. Something that should be taught during our early childhood yet is often just left on cruise mode. As adults we often think it is ok to allow anger to overwhelm us. We even use it as an excuse, "but I was feeling so angry, I didn't mean what I said." People compare getting angry to being intoxicated on hallucinogenic drugs. They seem to think they can get away with extremely hurtful things just because they are angry. This is a lie through and through. Anger is just another emotion and a strong one at that; all the more reason to prevent it from getting out of control. You wouldn't say to your loved one "I didn't really mean to say that I appreciate you, it's just that I was feeling so happy." It's the same thing. Silly huh? The sooner we learn to control our negative emotions instead of allowing them to control us, and worse, thinking they are reasonable excuses, the sooner our marriages and relationships will grow stronger.

If you feel that your marriage is on a downward spiral and you truly want to transform your marriage into something strong and long-lasting then have a good think about what I've shared with you here and continue to work at it on a daily basis. Marriage isn't easy, that's a fact, but as the saying goes, nothing worth really having ever is.

About the Author

34 year old,Mother of two.
Married for 8 wonderful years.